What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 19.06.2025 23:59
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
What type of crossdresser are you?
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
What was the worst decision you ever did?
He resisted the act ,that day.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
But ive been too sick for many years..
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One cannot live in the past .
When she asked me how she looked .
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
It was going to be , some day.
What is your opinion about homosexuality? Do you think that it is by nature or a choice?
This is how, and why children get BPD.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
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My life is so biszare .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
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For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
All the time i was locked up.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I said to her
I was scared of men, in general
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
My family never makes their pension either.
I think the readers, may guess!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
This is soul school!.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And i lived it daily.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Im still living with it.
Ive learnt so much.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
The only rule us 5 kids had .
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Especially a lifetime of it.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
She was in good health!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
As i do to all so called friends.?
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She found it foreign!.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I don,t even have a pension.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
So, i spoilt her more .
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I couldn’t, believe it.
I write beautiful poetry .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was very sick at this time too.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
But it wasn’t much.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
I will be 64.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
What did i know ?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
I waited trembling.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
Put me off passion for life!!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Would this be the day?
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I could never make a relationship work though!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
I was 9 years of age.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Comes on , in middle age.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
She loved him until the end.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
We all went to grammer schools
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Why did i forgive my father ?
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I was seconnd youngest,
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She wouldn,t have been !
Who then, do I blame.?
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
We were not on the streets..
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But, we were locked up after school.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Was to survive, this bastard.
(And it was in our own minds.)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I have no regrets .
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
She married twice! .
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
So whats the point in blame.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He knew the spot.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!